gardening theory of parenthood

As a regular and quite recent facebook user I soon discovered “Farmville”. You may know it, the game application where you get a little patch of virtual land. You can then plow the earth, buy seeds, plant them and wait for them to grow. Plants grow, you harvest them and get money, which can be used for exciting things like buildings, lemon trees, cows, pigs or chickens – great fun.

Well, this application had me interested for a few weeks. It was quite nice to plant the seeds then come back in 1-2 days and find fully grown plants. It gave me something to look forward to in the day. After I expanded the farm a bit, got a few animals and nearly towards generating some kind of balanced diet, well it did get a bit boring. I’m quite glad to say.

What happened next though, was quite amazing. I actually went out and bought some real seeds and a seed tray, shoved them in and did the same thing – waited. Surely enough after a few days, things did begin to grow out of the earth. It was incredible. I have to admit to never doing this before in my life. My previous experience of plants was to buy and kill them. Unlike children or animals, plants were just never loud enough or made enough demands for me to pay attention.

So I took the next step and dug out a bit of the garden, mixed in a bit of compost from the neighbours and inserted seedlings in. Watered, even fertilised. Waited… and amazingly enough those little plants continued to grow.

My husband kindly cut logs to delineate a space and now we have it – a real vege garden. With live things, that actually grow. I’m pleased to say I’ve even been remembering to water it. Checking it for new leaves. Could it be that I’ve become a gardener after all.

We’ll see how long it lasts – after all I have had new projects before (joining the gym, mosaics, guitar, saxophone, novel writing) none of which are still happening.

This is all supposed to be leading to the main point, which is my gardening theory of parenthood. Like plants, children naturally grow and flourish and learn and develop when they are given the right conditions. We don’t always know in what direction they will grow, or even what kind of plant they are sometimes. But our job is to wait, watch – provide the earth and the water and the sunshine. Love, food, shelter, protection, nourishment. Allow them to grow. Don’t get in their way and they will bloom in amazing ways.

The gardening approach to parenting is in contrast to the baking / cookie cutter approach. Baker knows what kind of cookie she wants, prepares dough according to recipe, cuts dough to shape and puts in the oven. Gets exactly the cookie she prepared from the recipe.

But a cookie is not alive.

I want to be a gardener parent.

survival instinct and the new mother

Evolutionary psychology is a field of science that looks at human behaviour in terms of evolution. Some of our habitual or instinctive behaviours have developed that way and are encoded in our brains because these behaviours lead to the survival of the species.

These types of behaviours include attraction to the opposite sex  (for reproduction) protection of offspring, seeking food or shelter (nesting) and general response-to-threat behaviours.

I remember a particularly interesting trip with my 3 children to the “Crocodile Farm” in Cairns. On arrival I became nervy and irritable, I wanted to make our trip as short as possible and I got very prepared to fight irrationally and seriously with my husband when he tried to take the children somewhere. Basically I was quite prepared to do whatever it took to remove the threat. But it took a while for me to realise that what i was actually afraid of was the Crocodiles! Because a lot of the time, evolutionary behaviours occur on an unconscious level – they are instant reactions that occur in the “anxiety centre” or brainstem, and bypass the logical thought centres (cortex) of the brain.

So in mental health anxiety is often seen as an evolutionary behaviour. Our nervous systems have evolved a “fight or flight” response to any kind of perceived threat. This involves certain body sensations (increased heart rate, muscle tension etc) which prepare us to literally fight or run – and other responses here might include a “freeze” response which happens in some kinds of anxiety.

Looking at mothers with new babies, all our evolutionary responses are maxed out because we are programmed to protect this new little life. This leads to the “mother bear” syndrome when some of us will go for anyone’s jugular if they seem to be threatening our baby. This includes fathers, when they seem to be putting the baby in danger.

So how does this work for postnatal disorders. We all know about postnatal depression and how common it is. Anxiety symptoms are very common and is intimately connected to depression, so much that some even say they are the same thing.

We have all seen worrying mothers and anxious mothers and fiercely protective mothers. When does this cross the line and become a disorder? Maybe some of our behaviours and body responses were adaptive when we used to live in the savannah surrounded by possible predators. We had to find shelter and food, avoid threats and stay with the group to survive. These responses can work against us in the society in which we now live.

Some common anxiety disorders are:

- panic disorder and agoraphobia (fear of open spaces) people become anxious when out in the open – a primal fear of exposure to predators, and this is associated with panic attacks.

- social anxiety – people are afraid when around their friends or community and fear rejection by the group, sometimes worrying about their own appearance – this dates back to a time when rejection by the group could mean death, and perhaps those who looked different were rejected because it might mean disability and threaten the survival of the group. But the result of this kind of anxiety can be that people actually avoid the group and inadvertently create what they fear – isolation.

- obsessive-compulsive disorder – a classic feature is fear of germs and compulsive hand washing – related to fears of disease and death. Again this becomes worse with a small baby as a protective mechanism gone wrong and can sometimes cause harm to the baby through excessive cleaning or lack of affection. I have met women who fought bitterly with their husbands about hygiene, not realising they were literally fighting for their lives.

So that’s how anxiety disorders in pregnancy and postnatally are related to evolution. It kind of makes sense when viewed in the context.

The solution is to encourage people to see their thoughts more rationally and logically, and evaluate the reality of the situation. Is there any threat and what is the outcome of their conditioned behaviour. Is the anxiety harming or helping, and how to come up with more logical thinking or helpful behaviour. We need to activate our higher thought centres (cortex) and integrate it with the anxiety centre (brainstem) to calm it down. The good news is those pathways do exist and can be developed, as neuroscience research shows.

 

 

 

 

the advantages of staying home in evenings because of children

1. Get to watch a lot of good TV
2. Read books
3. Write a novel
4. Do research / complete a PhD
5. Invite friends over for drinks / dinner
6. Save money on taxi fares
7. Save money on overpriced / fattening restaurant food
8. Become an artist, catch up on unfinished knitting projects
9. Instant excuse for unwanted invitations
10. Write a blog!

poo and happiness

I had long suspected a connection between poo and happiness. This realisation gradually dawned on me over more than a year of changing nappies for two in addition to (and preceded by) caring for Ellie the Funt.

My suspicions were first confirmed by the sensational recent Australian movie, Kenny in which our protagonist is a Porta-Loo manager, happy as a pig in mud. He is really doing the world an essential service, and has a sense of purpose and importance. And so he should. After all human waste is ubiquitous and someone really needs to maintain those systems for dealing with it.

My natural reaction to poo is, like anyone’s, a normal “eww, yucky” feeling on first encountering the poo. God forbid, you don’t want to get it on your fingers. But the encounter is also strangely grounding. To come face to face (or face to bottom) with the waste products of one’s children does something to one’s sense of connectedness, somehow.

And last night on the SBS program, Insight, with my hero Jenny Brockie my suspicions were confirmed. It’s a fantastic talkback TV program that deals with interesting topics superbly and last night’s topic was, would you believe it “Happiness“. And the champion case example of happiness, was, would you believe a sewerage worker. I have forgotten the guy’s name. But he exhibited all the core features of happiness: a sense of purpose, a sense of connection to others, involvement in one’s work etc…

And for me, a penny dropped, another link in the chain. I’m starting to think I’m onto something, the association of poo and happiness.

the good-enough parent

We have always aspired to “good-enough” parenting, never remotely tempted by the perfectionism and high achievement that characterises a lot of our peers. Thank you to Ms Melancholy over at the psychotherapist blog for articulating so nicely the reasons why we do this. I would create a trackback or a pingback at this point, except I have forgotten how this is done.

Today I left the boys (15 months each) at Occasional day care so I could clean the house and do some writing. There was screaming as I left, and as this is the first time I’ve done anything so awful there were 3 sets of tears. I came home and wrote a story about a woman who leaves her children alone, eating out of a cat feeder – that was about as low as I felt.

But reading Ms Melancholy does make me feel better. I’m lifting the Winnicott quote.

“The good-enough mother…starts off with an almost complete adaptation to her infant’s needs, and as time proceeds she adapts less and less completely, gradually, according to the infant’s growing ability to deal with her failure…

D.W.Winnicot (1951) Transitional Objects and Transitional Phenomena

And her post does explain, so very nicely why it is so natural for parents to be imperfect and how our imperfection actually provides a learning ground for the children and prepares them for the world to come.

Other People’s Kids

You can’t shoot ‘em…

I’m entering a whole new zone of behaviour and ethics. The playground interaction. The delicate interplay of boundaries, civility and protection of our most precious ones. My twins are now almost 15 months. Old enough to run around in a toddler-friendly playground and have a go on some of the equipment. It’s fun! It’s new, it’s exciting.

When you are one year old, you believe the world is a happy place and everyone is your friend. Of course, when you are a twin you are also used to another little rival who likes to steal your rusk, pull your hair and sometimes even push you over. But once you enter the playground the dangers multiply. There are Big Kids. Physically stronger and capable of more calculating attacks.

My son was taunted with a lollipop today! My first instinct was to grab the lollipop and hiss “You’re not a very nice little boy” loudly and throw said confectionery in the rubbish. A three year old boy persisted in holding the lollipop in front of my very innocent and trusting one, who would of course reach for it – and then snatch it away. Meanwhile the mother stood around with her very skinny designer-clad friends holding their “bugaboos” and bitching about someone or other in their school mothers’ group.

No wonder the kid had issues, I could see already that antisocial behaviour was his only path to being noticed at all. This still did not engender any sympathy in me.

No, I didn’t abuse the 3 year old, relax. I simply walked over, stood behind my son and said “hello” pointedly. Luckily that was all it took.

Earlier on at the same playground, the other twin was pushed over by a snotty nosed little girl. Luckily he was totally unfazed by this.

However it does raise some questions. What do you do? Is it acceptable to discipline someone else’s child? Do you raise it with the parents first? When is snatching lollipops or verbal abuse appropriate?

To what lengths will you go to protect your precious ones? At what point is it better to let them fight their own battles? Obviously not at 15 months. I think I’ll continue the close supervision for now.

The fact is, other people’s kids are sometimes horrid. And although it has been a surprise to me, it’s to be expected. People in general aren’t always nice, the children just follow suit.

milling: the randomness of toddlers

It’s harder to post every day than I thought. And the posts are coming out a bit unformed, but never mind, I’m going to persist anyway…

How best to describe the motion of a toddler around the room? I would say, milling. But one cannot mill alone, milling really requires multiple millers. That’s why having twins is so great, they can mill around the room. And going visiting is even better, we can get all our babies together for milling.

There is a really charming randomness about the activities of a toddler. Mine are particularly good at playing on their own, and as I sometimes get caught up with the computer I feel guilty about neglecting them. However, I’m sure they don’t actually feel neglected and they are quick to let me know if they do. They’re quite happy just doing the random thing.

The thought process goes something like this: ‘Oh, here’s this toy again so I might stand up and walk over here, carrying it… I’m pretty good at this. Oh, here’s this other toy, I can bang them together, that’s a nice noise. Now I’ll throw the first one away, haha a really loud noise. OK, here’s my brother, hi bro, maybe I can pull him over if I grab his hair hard enough…’

And on it goes. Perhaps if you had enough toddlers in a room you might get Brownian motion? It’s fun to watch.

A-da! baby language

This may be a post-in-progress…

My 11 month twins are already inventing a language, but it has very few words so far.

The most important word is “A-da!” (emphasis on the second syllable) sometimes also prnounced “Hadda”. This word is basically a pronouncement, it has several meanings including “Here it is”, “Look at this”, “Gee mum, why does that funny thing do that?”, “I’m here” “You’re here” etc.

Other words of secondary importance include:
- “Mamamamama” (loud) It’s not what you might think! It actually means “Give me that food right away” – an alternative version is “Nanananana”
- “Nim nim” means “this food looks nice”
- “Bwee” this is a controversial one, it’s hard to pinpoint the exact meaning, and may in fact have many different meanings. It can be thoughtful “I wonder what’s going on here” or jocular “this is fun”
- “Aaaaa” in a semi-whisper of awe means “This is really amazing” as in “that cup fits inside the other one!”
- “Ha” (loud, multiple while crawling) means “Wow, look at all this new stuff, I’m finding lots of things here”

the mask of motherhood: susan maushart

I picked up this book from the library when I was wandering around in a confused kind of state. If I were a tapestry maker in 16th century France I would pretty much know who I was and my role in life. But I’m not, and I sometimes work and I mostly look after children. I love looking after children but sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t be doing something more, with the children. That is whether I and the children ought to be more a part of a greater whole, rather than just boddling around on the floor together.

Anyway I digress. The book, I mostly disagree with. I was quite keen to read it because according to the jacket, it discusses “how motherhood changes everything” well I couldn’t agree more, but I thought it was going to talk about some of the beneficial changes. It’s also written by an Australian academic, which I found promising. I think this book is thought provoking and raises some very good points, and almost comes close to explaining certain issues about motherhood in a contemporary context. I also think it is quite interesting to write a response to a book you disagree with about a subject you care about.

One very sad comment inside this book is that “Motherhood is not intrinsically rewarding”. Mostly, that is sad for the children of the author, I hope they don’t read it. And her conclusions are overwhelmingly negative. She doesn’t have much positive to say, and I am afraid that just reflects her own issues rather than any “objective’ scientific research. I am coming to realise more and more that people generally create their research to back up their original view and then say it’s objective.

Here’s a few reviews of the book on amazon to start wtih.

high achievers and their offspring

I’m wondering why it is that the world’s very high achievers often have kids that struggle academically. In fact I don’t even know if it’s often, because I haven’t seen any statistics on this. But I have seen a few cases.

First, there is the “generational” theory that we are all familiar with. Generation 1 is the high achiever, rags to riches, who struggles from poverty to become a great success. Generation 2 is born into wealth and doesn’t have to work as hard, so marries a “society” partner who also hasn’t had to work hard. Generation 3 is thus diluted genetically and not given any great role modelling, so produces the diletantes, who then end up in poverty and their children are back to Gen 1. This may be the case for some.

Then there is my somewhat simpler theory of time spent parenting. People who are hugely successful often have a strong work ethic, and as a result of this, have no time for parenting. Children are brought up by nannies or at day care. Parent doesn’t have time to focus on child(ren) when they are home because they are too exhausted. Quality of parenting relies on quality of the nanny or carer relationship which is highly variable, in any case not a lot of teaching happens at home. But usually the kid doesn’t have as strong attachment to a consistent parent/s. Attachment theory states that the strength of this bond can predict development emotionally and also cognitively.

There’s also another psychological aspect of this. Some high achievers may actually resent the fact that they spent most of their life “achieving” and working hard. They may secretly wish they had partied more and spent more time on their relationships. They are looking at their social or relationship achievements and finding these lacking. They didn’t have enough fun. So they are programming their children to reject the harsh corporate / medical / professional world they inhabit and opt for a simpler, more rewarding life.